Why Yes, I Do Blame You for Trying

My friend Ellis is a marketing consultant. "Get this," he tells me. "This woman's been asking me for marketing advice for three years. We've talked and talked; she's never hired me. Now she says 'I need your help! Naturally, with the economy how it is I can't pay your full rate.'"

"What did you say?" I asked.

"I told her I'd be happy to help, but it'll take awhile for my schedule to free up, since I'm busy with clients who see the value of marketing in a down economy. I told her I've raised my rates a bit for '09, and I sent her the new pricing information."

"Oh mama!" I said. "I'm used to it," said Ellis.

I heard from another friend who writes Web site copy in Chicago. "I got a call out of the blue from a not-for-profit I've never heard of," she said. "We spent 40 minutes on the phone talking Web site copy. I should've asked about budget earlier than I did, because when I broached that issue, the lady said 'We have no budget! We're a not-for-profit agency.' I don't know these people from Adam, but I'm supposed to write their Web site copy for free."

"Has that happened to you before?" I asked.

"Ten thousand times, at least," she said. "After we got off the phone I browsed their Web site -- which really does need new copy. They're building a new headquarters -- looks swanky in the architect's drawings. Guess my puny fee would have cut into the drapery budget, or something."

Eventually it was my turn. I got a call from a fellow in California who enjoyed one of my columns. He thought I'd make a great speaker for a gathering of the Old Ivy Alumni Club.

"We can't pay a fee or travel expenses, but we get A-list speakers nonetheless," he said.

"That is magnificent," I told him. "As much as I'd love to join you and the Old Ivy grads, it would be unethical of me to do that, as so many clubs and associations have paid me to speak."

"Ha!" said the gentleman. "I figured you'd say that. Well, someone will bite eventually. Can't blame me for trying!"

Ellis checked in again. "How's that lady you were telling me about?" I asked. "She's great," he said. "She invited me to a brainstorming meeting where six of her 'friends' -- me and God knows which other consultants she's never hired -- are gathering to Toss Around Ideas.

"I said I'd be happy to come and I mentioned my hourly rate. It sounded like she plotzed on the floor then and there."

"Ellis," I wondered, "with the economy being tough and all, is the lady lowering her company's prices?"

"Are you joking?" he chortled. "Bodywork services. She's telling her customers, 'If you don't need a massage now, when will you need one?' She tells them, 'It's an INVESTMENT!'"

We had a good laugh about that. My Chicago friend heard from three other writers who'd been pitched by the same writing-is-cheap, construction-fees-are-no-object agency. I wonder how the building contractor would have responded to the we-so-needy pitch. Not sure that line would carry water with a Chicago builder. Still, why not give it a go? You can't blame a person for trying.