Once Was Plenty

Like it or not, we learn as we get older! Here are ten things I've done once and do not feel the need to do again:

Go to the Boulder County Fair.
Why: Have you been? Eight million degrees, the scariest carnies west of the Mississippi and really, no fun at all.

Get involved with Amway.
I made this mistake in my twenties. Silver lining: extricating myself from the cult taught me useful boundary-setting skills. I'll never forget the sight and sound of a Polish man in a bright yellow three-piece suit standing in my living room berating my twenty-something slacker friends to buy Amway products out of the disposable income they had left over from their $5.45/hour jobs. One punk rocker wandered in and the Amway guy said "Everyone needs soap!" and the punk rocker said "My friends don't use soap," and then got drunk and slipped off his chair, onto the floor under the table, where he lay for the rest of the meeting.

Have a Boulder Library Card.
Why: $110 in fines, and because when I called to say "Gee, so sorry, our bad, we moved, we will find the books, and I thought you didn't fine kids?" they said "Those were from the Young Adult Fiction section." Right, because nine-year-olds don't read "A Wrinkle in Time." Spare me.

Go to the Denver Stock Show.
Why not: I can't say never, because I have kids. Still. Less than meets the eye.

Get the BriteSmile or similar teeth-whitening process.
A Rip-off. Expensive, uncomfortable, doesn't last.

Have a lizard for a pet.
Why not: too unpredictable - healthy, healthy, health, dead. Heartbreaking.

Live in a condo, or anyplace with an HOA.
Why not: not my cup of tea.

Hang around with est/Landmark people.
Why not: I can't tell you, or I'll get sued.

Take my kids to a martial arts place that uses a three-page contract.
Why not: Should have seen this one coming. Trans Martial Arts, rung number six of Dante's Inferno is reserved for you.

Buy an expensive vacuum cleaner that uses its own special, expensive bags.
Why not: Goes without saying. Was this item anticlimactic? Here's one more:

Participate in any women's networking group that has Wild, Wonderful, Fabulous, Outrageous, Passion/Passionate, or Amazing in its title.
Why not: A personal thing.