Memorability and Significance

There was a post on the Ask Liz Ryan discussion group about being memorable - so that when you meet other people, they don't immediately forget you about you.

This is a great topic because if you have ever experienced it, you know the particular mix of feelings - dismay, disconcertedness and irritation, for instance - that go along with being forgotten by a person you've met, had numerous heartfelt conversations with, or even shared a meal with. It stinks to have people forget you, no doubt about it.

So the topic was "how can I become more memorable?" Here are my thoughts.

There are ways that are commonly suggested to networkers to help people remember that they've already met you. One is to wear the same lapel pin all the time, or different lapel pins with the same motif, such as zebras or goldfish.

This is a good suggestion - in my experience, it works. When I see that zebra or goldfish, I think "Okay, I've met her before." The zebra or goldfish helps to do something. A good question is "What does the zebra or goldfish do?" It causes some neurons to fire, and say "You know her." The zebra lady's memorability quotient goes up.

Now, let's ask this followup question: what do we want to be memorable for?

Here in our town, there is a young man of about 20 who has his whole face tattooed. It's a bit shocking. I feel bad for him, and as a mom, I feel bad for his mom. Whatever this young man may have accomplished or may yet accomplish, everyone knows him because his face is tattooed. The teenagers call the poor young man "Face." There is another young man in town whose face is half-covered by a tattoo. The kids call this fellow "Half-Face." You see one of these guys, you won't forget him. The memorability level for both of them is off the charts.

And here's the thing - we don't know anything about these two guys, Face and Half-Face. One may play the cello and the other one may be incredible with animals, but all we know is that they opted to get their faces tattooed.

Memorability is not the same as significance. I had a neighbor across the street for four years. I knew the guy did not register me - I'd say Hi and he'd say Hi and I was not on his radar screen in the slightest degree. I went to eat lunch with a friend, and the friend said "Oh, let me introduce you to Terry!" I smiled, because I recognized Terry as my former across-the-street neighbor and I knew that when my friend introduced us, he'd say "Nice to meet you," and of course that's what happened. I was not significant to him. It's not hard to see why. He saw me schlepping around town with my kids, smaller than his kids, and I'm sure he thought "a mom" and that was that. We never talked about business or the arts or politics or anything else. The conversation never went that far. I could say "his loss" but I don't feel that way - after all, none of us has time to meet all of the six billion people in the world. My significance (and memorability) to Terry was very low. That is reality - it's not a problem. Had Terry and I had lunch or sat in committee meetings together, if he forgot that we'd met, I would be concerned.

So if that happened and if I were concerned, I would work not on my memorability with Terry (lapel pins etc.) but on the significance of our interaction. If I had a reason to be known to Terry, e.g., we served on a committee together, I'd try for a conversation that found common ground in our interests. I'd get to know enough about him to create a bond based on what Terry cares about.

Significance is more important than memorability, in my view. It is easy to be known and to remembered for what we are known for - a loud laugh, a goofy introduction line, or a face-sized tattoo. It is a bit harder but more effective to become significant to the people whose connection we value.

I don't want Terry or anyone else to see me and start firing neurons that say "I've met her - I see that zebra pin." If I am significant to the people I care to know and be known by, they won't forget me. That's my plan for this lifetime. Next lifetime, I may opt for that half-face tattoo.