Wishing You My Kind of Christmas

There was some discussion on the Ask Liz Ryan email group this week about donation-type holiday presents. This has been a popular discussion topic this Christmas season because so many people are becoming eco-conscious. That would seem like a good thing, but the counter position is that it's not right or appropriate to force your views on other people via message-laden holiday gifts.

For instance, let's say that your sister is vegan and gives you a vegan cookbook as a present. That might be a great present if you're interested in vegan cooking. On the other hand, it might be a terrible present if you've had many conversations with your sister over the years about your love of meat and fish and whatever else vegans don't eat.

You might feel like your sister was trying to shove her views down your throat.

Way back in the summer, one of our members wrote about having received a diet book from an aunt when she was a child. Yuck! Most of us could imagine the bad reaction that gift would inspire. Undoubtedly the aunt was only trying to help her dear niece shed some lbs. But what a disastrous way to send the message!

Here's a fictional dialogue about this message-bearing-gift issue. What's your take?

JILL: You know Sarah, I don't want you to be unhappy with me when you see what I've bought your girls for Christmas.

ELLEN: The fact that you're saying that at all is alarming. Do you want to tell me what you got them, or leave it a surprise?

JILL: Let's just say I got them items that I think are great for girls their age. I mean, a gift is an expression of who you are, right? So this is a gift straight from the heart of their Aunt Jill.

ELLEN: Okay, Jill. But I can tell you, and please don't take this the wrong way, the book on composting that you got Melody last year went over like a lead balloon. And I can't say that Tiffany was overjoyed with the hemp weaving kit she got. I mean, the girls are 13 and 14. They're just not into composting and hemp.

JILL: I understand that. But how can they be into things they haven't been exposed to? Is it wrong of me to try to have a positive influence on two children I love?

ELLEN: I'm trying not to hear that as a statement about the terrible influence you must feel that Roger and I have on them.

JILL: Look, you and I are different. You are the girls' mom. You know what they like, what they talk about. You gratify their wishes to get jewelry from Claire's and all that junk.

ELLEN: Hey, don't be so subtle, Jill; just tell me what you really think!

JILL: You know what I think. I think the girls are drowning in stuff they don't need. Is it so awful of me to try to be a small voice in the opposite direction?

ELLEN: Not at all. I believe that kids are influenced by all sorts of people all the time, and you are certainly someone the girls look up to. But you have to know in all candor that the girls don't love your gifts, and here's why. They feel that you buy gifts for the nieces you wish you had, instead of the ones you've got. In every gift from Aunt Jill is a little message: You Should Be Different Than You Are.

JILL: People can expand their horizons! Would you rather I got them iTunes gift cards?

ELLEN: Roger and I already got those. You know why? Because the girls asked for them.

JILL: Exactly my point. Like every other teenager in America, they'll have more pop tunes to listen to. When do they learn about the planet we live on, and what's happening to it?

ELLEN: I can't talk you out of buying the girls whatever you want to buy them. But I need to tell you this. Your relationship with them will suffer if you use them as a little slates for your political agenda, especially in gift-giving. If I recall, gifts are supposed to be given from the part of our hearts that says "I know you and I have thought about what you'd like" rather than from the part of our brain that says "Here is what you need."

JILL: But isn't it an expression 0f love to take a chance and give someone something that might help them more than whatever they think they want? Or should we just throw in the towel and buy them makeup and bling for their cell phones, every year?

ELLEN: This is how I feel - like you want to deny the girls' right to be exactly who they are, absolutely perfect creatures the way they are right now.

JILL: And this is how I feel - like you want me to say "it's okay girls, you don't have to know who Aunt Jill really is and what she cares about. I'll just kowtow to your mom's wishes and pick up some Limited Too gift certificates on my way home from work."

ELLEN: My personal view, positive influence is always voluntary. There are ways that you could educate the girls about things you think are important without turning their favorite holiday into a forced educational experience.

JILL: Gifts are to be accepted with gratitude, Ellen! One could make the argument that it's rude of you even to suggest what I should give the girls for Christmas.

ELLEN: You are correct. I always instruct the girls to thank you and all of their relatives for the presents they get. I'm not talking about protocol here. I'm talking about something that I hope is more important than protocol, namely, what your relationship will be with these two girls as they get older. I'll tell you this much, they won't tolerate being little test tubes in your grow-an-environmentalist laboratory for much longer.

JILL: That's great, Ellen. Turn my expression of love for my nieces into a personal attack.

ELLEN: I just think your gifts are anti-gifts. I'm telling you because I care about your relationship with the kids, and every time we go through this, they're pushed further away from you. You've been sending the same message for years. We get it. You care about the environment. What if you put your own agenda to the side this year and delighted the girls with something THEY care about?

JILL: Why don't you just send me a typed list of the things they've asked for and I'll dutifully head to Target and start working on the list.

ELLEN: Oh for Pete's sake, Jill....

Is there an answer to this dilemma? I'm not sure. For me, a donation to a group like the Heifer Project steers mostly clear of the problem. Maybe not for everyone - maybe not a 13-year-old. Tricky, tricky.