Should Hits the Fan

I always say that righteous indignation is the most dangerous emotion. When you're full of self-righteous fire, you can do anything...including all sorts of ill-advised things that you might regret later. The weird thing that you learn as you get older is that being right isn't the be-all and end-all. Sometimes it can feel like it, though. And that's if you are right. You might be righteously indignant and be wrong. Or right and wrong might not even enter the equation.

One day I was sitting in a coffee shop sipping my coffee and reading my newspaper. A woman across the way looked vaguely familar, so I smiled at her. She came over to me. She stood next to me with a kind of pursed-lips look on her face like she was wondering whether or not to speak. Finally she said, "Liz, right?" "Uh, yep." I said. Strange greeting.

"You were the one who was supposed to sing with our choir and then didn't," she said.
Whoa!
I thought back. I've sung all over town.
"Sorry, which choir do you sing with?" I asked her. She told me. I was silent for a moment. I didn't feel like I needed to launch into a whole explanation of the choir story to this lady I didn't even know. She seemed to be kind of pissed off and challenging. I asked, "Were you curious about why I didn't end up singing with the choir? And by the way, what is your name again?"

She told me her name and said "Yes, I was curious." So I told her.

It's a simple story. I'm a soprano soloist. I sang once or twice at this particular church, and the music director asked me if I'd sing more often there. I said sure, send me the church schedule and I'll suggest some pieces to sing on certain weeks during the year. The lady sent me the schedule and I sent her back a bunch of musical ideas, and I never heard from her again. That was that. I have a regular church thing now. I explained this to the lady in the coffee shop. She looked sheepish.

"We just wondered what happened to you," she said. On my lips was "You should have asked the choir director" or "Why didn't you ask, then?" But really! What's the point? I'm not going to should on this lady, even though she was more than ready to should on me, a complete stranger.

I still believe that righteous indignation is the scariest emotion. But it's hard to put that belief into practice. You can say to yourself "What's just happened is outrageous and someone needs to speak. I am full of righteous wrath or fortitude or evangelistic fervor right now. But will something terrible happen if I don't react to the heinous thing that's just happened?" Sometimes it's best to stay cool. I'm sure you have experienced that.

Now I have a new mantra. It springs from the righteous indignation thing, but it's more specific. It's one word: should. That's a very loaded word. There are two different kinds of shoulds. One is non-judgmental. Someone says "I got this scratch on my car" and you say "You should take it over to Joe at the Auto Wash, he's brilliant with scratches." No judgment. You can should away the day with tips like that.

The other should is the dangerous one. Here's how you should act. Here's how you should feel. Older I get, the less I see this kind of should being appropriate - no matter who you and and no matter whom you're speaking with. People get to live their own lives. Who are we to tell them what to do?

It comes up on our online community. You should tip x or y percent. You shouldn't have reacted this way when this or that person said this or that to you. You should take responsibility. You should stop complaining.

There is a nerve that gets hit. Sometimes I post a message from one of our members, and it seems perfectly innocuous to me. It's just a message, a query, an observation or a request for help. But it hits a nerve in some people. It ticks them off. Some people can be ticked off and still react to the issue - here is what I think or I have a different view. Other people can't stop at the issue. They go right to the person, the original poster. You should. You shouldn't. You should have this, you shouldn't have that.

This looks a lot like fear-based behavior to me. Fear of what? Good question. But a nerve gets hit and the Shoulds come out of the woodwork.

I don't post messages that disparage other posters. That's easy. Sometimes the Shoulds are postable but, in my view, inappropriate. It's not just in our online community that this kind of communication is sub-optimal. It's anywhere and in any way that humans converse. We have posted before about unsolicited-advice-givers. What sort of unsolicited advice is more unwelcome than "you should believe what I believe" or "you should act as I would act?"

Here is an example. A person writes to say that she doesn't like her job. She wants advice on dealing with this problem. I understand all the kinds of advice she gets, except one kind...the kind that says "deal with it, stop complaining." Where does that come from? Someone was angered by the original query. You should just buck up is what this person writes. What kind of advice is that, really?

I will be more conscious of my Shoulds from now on. What is your experience with Should-y conversation? What brings on a Should attack, and what is the best way to handle one? If you are prone to Should-ing from time to time yourself, please post a comment and help us understand the motivation. There are two sides to every story, so they say.